A Mass Of Humanity

Fuck!

The first email I read today is one where someone complains/insults me. This in response to me accepting his apology for being a dick when I was trying to do something nice for him. 

If I reply with the same insult it will make the situation worse. He’s been a really great friend the past 8 months letting me live with his family. There’s no way I can say anything. I sure do want to. But, fuck!

I think I’m an easy going and nice guy. I think I’m considerate of others. I’m not a scholar, but I’ve got some thinking skills. If I don’t know something, I’m going to say I don’t know. If I say something, I feel pretty confident that it’s the right answer. I’m not going to make something up to try and be impressive. I don’t speak just so I can hear the sound of my own voice.

I don’t understand why some people treat me like I’m the opposite of that. I don’t understand what it is about me that make people automatically doubt me when I say something. Especially when they asked me a question because they don’t know the answer.

Is it because I’m enormously fat. Maybe. But not being believed happened when I was just fat. Sometimes I understand if good friends doubt me because they’re people I would joke around with and give sarcastic, bullshit answers. Like friends do who joke around and give sarcastic, bullshit answers to questions. Then they’re on automatic, not knowing if I’m pulling their leg. I thought the the tone and inflection of when I was being sarcastic would be a tip-off. Maybe it’s not.

It also seems like some good friends treat me this way because of difficult life situations I’ve been in over the past few years. As if the situations were my fault and they happened because of me and this makes them feel superior to me.

Maybe I should just turn into one of the pricks I encounter numerous times a day during my commute on public transportation. Give myself a reason why people treat me this way.

I just don’t understand. But I want to know why.